Elevator Music
by M-O and WALL-E
Summary: Being stranded on an elevator may seem boring, unless you're a wizard and a vampire.


_**Elevator Music**_

_the Fantasy Heroes edition_

On June 6th, 2009, Harry Potter left his hotel room on the 31st floor and entered the elevator. He didn't give much thought to the flowery wallpaper and plain elevator music.

He went down to the 13th story and then the elevator stopped to admit a new passenger. Harry, who was busy thinking about Voldemort with an Afro, didn't pay much attention to who entered.

But Edward Cullen couldn't help noticing the other boy and his strange thoughts of a bald man Edward recognized, now in a comb-over. Edward rolled his eyes, Harry hadn't changed since they last met, he was about to say something when the elevator plunged a few stories to the 7th floor, the lights flickering.

They went off completely after a few seconds. Harry reached over to the door to see if the could open it, but he couldn't. He even slyly tried to magick it open, but to no luck.

"Let me see," said a voice from behind, "That wand won't help…"

"Wha-?" Harry said abruptly.

"Move Harry," Harry moved back. Edward fumbled with the buttons, and then even tried to open the doors with his hands. He seemed pretty dejected when that didn't work.

"How did you know I have a wand?" Harry asked, suddenly suspicious. "Are you a wizard too?"

"What, you don't recognize me? Harry, I'm hurt," Harry could tell he really was sad that Harry didn't know him. "It's me! Cedric! Cedric Diggory, you know, the guy who totally whooped your butt in Quidditch in your third year because you're too weak to stand up to a lame dementor. They guy who most definitely beat you in the second task and who could have easily beaten you in the maze if I wasn't so nice in the Triwizard Tournament. _And _I'm the guy who _totally_ stole Cho Chang right out from under your nose."

"Oh, you!" said Harry, suddenly annoyed. "You're the one who died, and the one I had to save in the maze. I do remember you…I mean, I've only seen your dead face in my dreams for the past few years."

Cedric gave him a glare.

"By the way, why are you so pale? And…are your eyes yellow? Gross dude. Oh, and about Cho, She made out with me less than a year after you died. And why are you looking at me like that?" Harry's finger itched towards his wand.

"Leave your wand alone." Edward gave a major creeper smile.

"How can you see that? I didn't even move my hand!......that much." He looked affronted.

"Harry, I've changed since you last saw me (and I don't care, I won the Triwizard Tournament the LAST time it was played). Harry, I'm 108 years old, I'm the hero in a bestselling new series and…I'm a vampire." His mouth twitched.

Harry sighed. "I knew you were a creeper."

"Oh! Says the 'Boy-who-tried-to-kill-himself-at-age-five-with-a-kitchen-knife-but-just-gave-himself-a-weird-scar-on-his-forehead-'," He sneered.

"How did you know about that?" said Harry, shocked.

"I can read minds," He said casually.

"Yeah, because some 300 year old creeper, who has a thing for changing teenagers and adopting them, bit you because he's such a bad doctor that he couldn't save you and you turned into a vampire who stalked a girl a whole century younger that you, turned into an abusive boyfriend and knocked her up with a demon child."

"How did you know that?"

"I didn't, I guessed. Is that really true?"

"Uh…no, of course not. And besides, she's only 88 years younger that me."

"Well that's only majorly creepy."

"No, not really," Edward said, totally missing his pedophile-ness.

"Okay, whatever. Let's forget that…how did you escape Voldemort? How did you even get into Hogwarts?" Harry inquired.

"Well, that's really a long story…"

"I wanna know!" Harry pouted and stomped his feet like a three-year old child.

"Ok, ok!" Edward help up his hands defensively and backed away, thinking of how he preferred regular, completely normal, uninteresting teenagers to small children. "I'll tell you. It all started a long, long time ago, in a country far away."

"Yay!" Harry clapped then criss-crossed applesauce on the elevator floor in front of him.

Cedric put one hand on his hip and the other out in front of him; he rolled his eyes up and began his rant:

"Like after 1918, when Carlisle changed me, I like wasn't too happy because like I don't know. I think I was trying to be a teenager rebel. But, you know like whatever. And then after I was done being a rebel and after I found my soul-mate haircut, I decided I needed to do something with my life. You know that feeling? When you just don't like feel like doing anything but something spectacular? Well, that was the amazing effect I had, so I just had to do something."

"Wow! Can you actually get to the main point?" said an annoyed Harry.

"Fine!" stomped Edward impatiently. "So I found out that I had to do something, so in the 1930s, I sold apples to the extremely poor and I even gave them really cool haircuts. Actually, one of them was Tim Burton's grandfather, and he thought I worked so well with scissors that it seemed like I had scissors for hands! Well I guess you know how that ended up…great movie…

"Then in like the 40's, I kinda like well…never mind…war…Germans…bombs in their…uh…bad experiments, never mind.

"Then in the 50's, I lived in like Alaska for awhile and then I went to Harvard for the first time, I hear what you're thinking, and yes, I am that smart!

"So in like the 60's, I tried out to be in that 60's Batman TV show, you know, the 'Na na na na na na na na BATMAN!' and the like 'Pow' and stuff. But apparently I was like TOO cheesy of an actor so I was like 'Whaaa?' and they were like 'Yaaaa' and I was like 'Pshhh' and they were like 'uhggg' and I was like 'whatever' so I totally ditched that Popsicle stand.

"Then in the 70's, I was like, hmmmm, maybe I should go homosexual, but then I was like, nah, gay guy in the 70's? Sooo unoriginal. I needed something like REALLY epic. So like I created the disco!

"Then in the 80's, I totally changed my hair (I know, you're SHOCKED!) And I got a mullet, but, you know, I just wasn't _feelin' _it! So I got a buzz cut and joined the army. But that didn't go down so well and like I ended up stealing a boat to go find out _what was up_ with the Bermuda Triangle. But like the ship sunk, people died, yada, yada, yada, long story short, it's a lot of water with a hotel run by Amelia Earhart.

"So then in the 90's, I was totally an extra for the fresh prince of Bel-Air ('cause like I _could_ have been the Fresh Prince, but I decided, out of the goodness of my heart, to let Will Smith do it, 'cause I knew he wasn't going to amount to a big star like _moi_) And I totally walked across the stage three times in season one, but they had to like let me got 'cause I _dazzled_ them, or something like that.

"Then in the 21st century-"

"GAHHH! STOP! NO MORE STORY! YOU ARE MELTING MY BRAIN!!!" Harry stood up, clutching his scar with three fingers, seething. "Ah, ow, oh, you make it feel like Voldemort's close!"

"Oh quit your whining, you sound like Daniel Radcliff from that lame movie with that kid with the scar and that one dude with the hair…I can't remember what it's called…"

"Dude, it's called the Harry Potter series, ya' know, it's kind of _named_ after me? You were kind of _in_ them?"

"Oh yeah…" Edward trailed off, remembering the horrible memories of Harry's fourth year.

"That's ok; I didn't like the movies either. The first two were just cheesy, I was totally emo in the third, my hair was just nasty in the Goblet of Fire (And of course YOU were there) and ALL the acting was just disastrous, especially in the fifth," Harry scowled.

"Oh I _know_, Honey, it was _bad."_

"Shut up, they were awesome, no matter how lame they were. What would you know about a good movie, I mean, did you even SEE Twilight?"

"Hmmm…Twilight, that rings a bell…wait! Wasn't that like that one movie where the guy takes off his shirt in the forest and tries to pass his sweat off as sparkles? Yeah, I remember now. Yeah, that was a pretty crappy movie. I mean, honestly, was RPatz trying to hide a third world country in his hair? And that girl that played Bella? Oh, don't even get me started-"

"I won't," said Harry, sensing a rant. And then he mumbled, "Funny how the only scene you remember is when the guy took off his shirt."

"What was that?"

"Oh nothing, nothing. But dude, you do know you starred in that movie? I mean, it was all about you! (And your pedophile-ness)."

"No, no, silly!" Edward laughed, "Do you honestly think that was me? Honestly? Harry, m'boy, me and RPatz look nothing alike! I mean, look at me!" He struck a pose. "Aren't we so different?" He was dead serious.

"No," said Harry blankly.

"Oh Harry, I knew you were useless when you agreed to take the cup with me. I mean, sharing? That's so third grade!" He rolled his eyes.

"Shut up," snapped Harry, "At least I'm not gay."

"Whatever," he said in his most gay voice.

"Yeah, whatever!" Harry said enthusiastically. He imitated Edward's gay, high-pitched voice, put his hands on his hips, and rolled his eyes.

"Like totally!" Edward said happily. "Anyways, so me and RPatz are totally different, like, he's got bleached sand skin tone, and I'm bleached pine. How our fans didn't notice, I don't wanna know! They can be so clueless!"

"Obviously, if they're reading your garbage," Harry told him. He saw the momentary confusion and comprehension cross his face before Harry decided to modify his memory before it got ugly.

"_Obliviate_!" whispered Harry.

"Oh yeah, and I'm cocoa mocha hair and he's mocha cocoa!"

Harry looked down at his wand in confusion and back up at Edward, trying several more times to modify his memory, but the boy kept on his rant about how RPatz's eye color was 3-month brewed honey and his own eyes were OBVIOUSLY 4 ½ months brewed honey, "I mean, seriously, there's aDIFFERENCE!"

A thought occurred to Harry, "He doesn't have enough brains to be modified," which he couldn't help but snicker at.

In the middle of a sixteenth inch difference in hair length rant, Edward noticed Harry's grin.

"Hey, this is not funny, this is a serious matter! Do you find my 3rd afterlife crisis this week to be a _joke?!"_

"No, no, I was laughing at-, you know what? Never mind. But hey, what's up with this elevator music?" Harry desperately changed the subject from Twilight.

Edward cocked his head to the side, as though that would help his listen better, and listened to the music. His face grew rapidly menacing with each passing note. He turned his face to Harry. "Do you know what song this is?" His voice was unbelievable.

"Nope, but it sucks. Who would waste their time sitting at home writing this?" Harry shook his head at the thought and was not paying attention to Edward's changing expression, which was now horrified.

"This is Clair de la Lune!" he shouted.

"So?" Harry asked, annoyed. "And what are you shouting about?"

"THIS IS MY BLOODY THEME SONG!" His face went from bleached pine to bleached rosewood (which was to say that Eddy-kin's temper was rising and his face was getting redder…or slightly less pale than usual).

"Dude," said an astonished Harry, "Only you would be creepy enough to have this as your theme song! I mean, the song is probably as old as you!"

"Yes, and things get more distinguished as they get older, like wine and cheese," Edward said knowingly.

"But when cheese gets old it gets-"

"You know what I mean! The fact of the matter is…This song rocks!" As Edward said the last part, his voice got high pitched again, his eyes wide, and his hands clasped together, bouncing on the toes of his feet, his creeper smile once more on his face.

"No, it really doesn't," Harry stared at him, stepping back from his creeper expression.

"Are you kidding me?! This song is epic! It is da' bomb! Omg! It's an epic bomb!" Edward began to laugh at his new discovery as Harry now pushed himself against the door.

Edward began to sway to the music with his eyes closed, and hummed the tune in an off pitched voice. Harry was now banging his fist against the door, hyperventilating. _I need to get out of here! _He thought. Edward's extreme creepiness was giving Harry a panic attack.

"HEY! DON'T MAKE SO MUCH NOISE! I'M TRYING TO LISTEN HERE!" Edward continued to sway and Harry fell to his knees, realizing the song was on repeat.

Suddenly, Harry had a genius brain wave; sort of like the one he had in his fifth year when he decided to go to the ministry of magic to save his godfather…actually, scratch that last bit…

Out of nowhere, Harry conjured a CD and a CD player. He popped the CD into the player and a sweet, melodious tune began to fill the elevator.

"What's that?" Said Edward, who was annoyed the he couldn't hear his song in full blast. "Turn off this weird song!" Harry just grinned at him with his non-creeper smile.

"If you want to listen to 'whatever-that-weird-crap-you-call-good-music-de la something Lune', then I get to listen to my theme song: _Hedwig's Tune_." Harry was being rather smug.

"Turn it off!" He demanded. "I can't hear my beautiful song over your junk!"

"Junk? Puh-lease! This song is at least buyable on the iTunes store! Yours is probably free because no one would spend actual money on elevator music.

"But Bella said she bought it off of there!" Edward exclaimed.

"It's called a lie, darling. Do you really think she doesn't take full advantage of the fact that you can't read her mind? You are in major denial Eddy-kins." Harry smiled as Edward tried to sink in what he said with a gaping mouth, obviously in denial.

"Bella would never lie to me!" He said after recovering.

"Yeah, she'd probably also never leave you and your bank account the size of your hairdo." Harry was fully enjoying giving Edward his fourth afterlife crisis of the week.

"Yeah well, well…well your glasses are nerdy! Oh BUUUUUURN!"

"That wasn't a burn you weirdo. "Harry rolled his eyes.

"It so was you…you lame-0! Oh, BUUURN!"

"Stop with the burns."

"Never! BUUURN!" Harry turned up his CD player and moved it closer to Edward who cringed away. "Stop! Stop! I can smell my ears burning! I'm melting, I'm melting!!!"

"Oh get over it; it's better than _your_ music."

"Is not! How can a song written by an owl be better than _this?_ I mean, your song doesn't even have _words._ Gosh, what kind of a song doesn't have _words?_"

"_Your_ song doesn't have words, you retard. And it wasn't made by an owl; it's just named after one."

"Yeah well, that doesn't matter; I hear the words in my head, alright? And it's all about me!" Edward smiled happily with his hands clasped again. "Oh, but your music? Tsk, tsk, tsk, it is _not_ Edward Approved. Really man, Owl songs should be shot and killed." Edward shook his head disapprovingly.

"Dude, honestly. First you don't admit that your song has no words, then you b**** on my song when yours sucks…what's wrong with you?" Harry shook his head.

"Owl music does suck though."

Harry chose to ignore this snide remark. "But Edward, dude, I had this song especially made for me. Someone actually sat down with me in mind and composed this. Not like your song. You just picked and said its yours. It's not even original! And about Bella, funny how you composed a song just for her, but she never bothered to do anything like that for you."

Edward looked furious. But he could not deny it.

"Hey Edward," he called again, having oodles of fun.

"Yeah?"

"Why do you like Debussy so much anyways? Was he the one you were homo with in the seventies?" Harry was thoroughly enjoying himself.

"No!" Edward yelled. "Besides, he's dead."

"Oh, then do you wish that's who you were homo with in the seventies?" Harry was trying to act sympathetic, but was failing miserably.

"Okay Harry, I'm getting really sick of you-"

"Likewise."

"If you don't shut up I'm gonna-"

"What? Sparkle at me?"

They both just glared at each other.

Then quite suddenly, the elevator doors opened. They looked at it in amazement. They looked at each other again. Harry flattened his hair down and Edward straightened out his sweater. They briefly shook hands.

"See you around, mate," said Harry grinning.

"Yeah, see you soon, old chum," said Edward smiling.

They left the elevator and went in separate directions, both thinking about Voldemort, now in a mullet.

It had been a strange day indeed.


End file.
